Putin selects Mike Flynn as next Wagner Group chief
Eric Prince a bridesmaid once again
Mike Flynn (L) gazes upon future boss in a 2015 photo by www.kremlin.ru. Seriously.
MOSCOW - Russian President Vladimir Putin stunned the private military contractor world by naming retired Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn as the next leader of the Wagner Group. The move shocked some analysts who considered contractor Erik Prince, a preferred mercenary of autocratic regimes, as the heir apparent.
“Russia will continue liberating Ukraine from the dangerous grips of sovereignty,” Putin said, “and that requires strong leadership at Wagner after my friend Yevgeny Prigozhin died tragically and totally unexpectedly.” The priority led to a rigorous search for a new leader.
“Before
Prigozhin’s unfortunately and accidentally wrecked plane stopped
smoking, Mike Flynn and Erik Prince were blowing up my phone
volunteering to lead Wagner like a couple of eager beavers,” Putin said.
Flynn
emerged as the selectee after interviews and reviews of their records. A
Ministry of Defense official said that Putin saw in Flynn a unique
combination of valuable skills such as intelligence, military
experience, abrasiveness, and the ability to interpret the law or facts any way he sees fit. “He’s like my brother from another babushka,” said Putin.
Erik Prince disagreed with Putin’s choice. “Why would Putin pick a pencil-neck intelligence weenie like Flynn? Wagner needs a bad-ass leader. I was a Navy-frickin’-SEAL for Pete’s sake,” he said. “My buddy Vlad and I are both ducking international indictments. We could have had our own bad boys against the world act. Whatever. Fuck that guy.”
Prince appeared to compose himself before continuing. “Look, leading ethically challenged mercenaries unmoored from any decent constraints has been my jam for decades. Plus I am already as rich as any oligarch on Putin’s payroll while Flynn lives off a Major General’s pension like a frickin’ poor. Tell me, just what does a guy have to do to be a warlord for a Russian autocrat?”
Despite Prince’s claims to fame, Flynn enjoys his own notoriety from battling the forces of darkness during his twenty-two days as former President Donald Trump’s National Security Advisor, a period just longer than that required for Blackwater personnel in Nisour Square to kill 14 Iraqis and wound 20 on September 16, 2007. With his “ReAwaken America” tour, Flynn has rallied and baptized crowds in a war against vaccines, immigrants, homosexuality, non-Christians, “Team Satan,” legally elected officials, globalists, Bill Gates, Swiss bankers, and dark forces re-writing the Bible through artificial intelligence, among others.
“On his tour, Flynn says he's in the Army of God, and it’s tough to beat those credentials,” said Marcus DeWine, Russian analyst at the Center for International Demonic Studies. “Flynn’s leadership could broaden the Wagner Group mission beyond Russia’s conventional enemies to include wholly unseen but totally real supernatural adversaries.”
Elated at his appointment, Flynn commented, “I want all the kids in the world to know that they too can grow up to be a favored general of both insurrectionists and America’s foremost opponents, all while drawing retirement and disability pay that stacks up to about $250,000 a year. They only need to believe in themselves, hook their wagon to the right despot, and completely forget about the oath they took to the Constitution.”
Asked about his initial plans for the Wagner Group, Flynn said he intends to lead a PT session, update policies with his signature block, hold an election, deny the results, declare martial law, enforce a single religion, and conduct some exorcisms. “You know, the usual stuff after a change of command.”
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